First, a quick disclaimer: I am not a publicly open individual. I am a happily secluded loner. Any journal that I keep or have kept has always been kept strictly personal, so for my to write these things in a blog where anyone can read it is sort of a test. I’m not sure if I can handle putting myself out there, but it is my hope that if I do, others will feel more comfortable in their own skin. People with “disorders” won’t feel so ostracized and different.
I guess I am attempting to dig into myself not just for me, but for everyone who feels backwards. Maybe it will be cathartic. I’m hoping I don’t convince a bunch of strangers that I am some sort of nutjob. Maybe I am, though … and maybe, just maybe, that’s okay. After all, I’m pretty darn awesome … and so are you! Perfectly flawed.
After all, no one ever changed anything by keeping everything hidden away.
Today is a pretty okay day. I’m not the mental monster, but I am not necessarily happy either. I am sort of in-between, but I have this feeling in my head, this sort of pressure, that is building. I know that today is not a good day to play with others. When I feel this way, it is best to put the headphones on, jam to some Awolnation or Sia, and just avoid contact with other humans.
But, that is an impossibility for me. My job doesn’t require much human contact, unless I am working on a feature story, but I always dive comfortably into my work, no matter what mood I am in. So, if I have to write a story about you, don’t worry – professionalism is always vital for me, and I always exercise it.
At home is another story. I have two children, both under six-years-old. They are amazing, creative, smart, and have enriched my life in ways I didn’t know were possible. I marvel at them daily.
But, hot damn do they have a lot of energy! While they are compassionate and sweet, they can also pull from this primal, animal side. It seems like everyone in my house feeds off of mommy’s mood, too. Is it that way for you?
If mommy is sad, everyone’s mood is out of whack.
If mommy is irritable, children push the buttons. Push. Push. Push. Push. Push.
It’s great fun, isn’t it?
While it is a mild day for me, I still don’t prefer a lot of craziness. I have enough of my own to deal with. On days like these, I like to spend time with the kids reading books or outside. Generally, exercise helps me, and it helps them too. Reading always makes me happy, and they share that love. We read at least 10 books a day, sometimes more.
But, a household is not always peaceful, and not everyone always agrees what to do. Sometimes we all disperse quietly to do our own thing, sometimes we don’t. Families are the best, and they are also so very difficult.
My children bring out the very best in me. They also bring out the very worst. I guess that’s a balance, right?
They know they are loved. Our family centers around love and respect for one another. We are a happy household with deep love and a great connection.
I hope that tonight, all of our crazy energy can be diverted into something useful. Maybe we can go visiting a friend or do something artsy fartsy. More than anything, I need to choose what I allow my mind to settle on. I cannot focus on anything that causes me stress. I cannot take what I feel out on my loved ones. I cannot expect anyone to know what I need to make me feel better. I cannot expect anyone to make me happy. I have to do it myself.