I don’t want to write this blog post. I’ve been avoiding it more too many days to count. The thing is, I need to get it out. I just need to express it, let it out, and let it go. So, that’s my hope. I’m going to write down the bones as Natalie Goldberg would have me do. It’s not pretty, but motherhood isn’t always snuggles and warm hugs, is it?

I wish I was a better mother… ALL. THE. TIME.

For example, here I am writing. My son is sitting on my desk in his boxer shorts playing on the Nook. He has his special birthday hat on that he made in school today. Tomorrow, he celebrates his 5th birthday. What a milestone! My daughter is out in the living room babbling.

I have Pandora playing some relaxing, mediation music. The Nook my son is playing on is loud… some noisy, animal train game. Music, typing keys, babbling daughter now turning into a crying daughter, and a noisy kid game.

Crying daughter. Be right back.

On my way to her, she is on her way to me. Dragging behind her are two blankies she likes and a new Mike Wazowskie pillow I bought for her last night. To appease her demands, I play Monsters Inc. for her. My first noted failure: She is naked… prefers it and I sit her in front of the t.v. so that I can write.

Let’s try to balance this out, shall we? A little while ago, we all worked together to bake cupcakes and a cake for his birthday tomorrow.

“Do you want to take a little cake to share at daycare tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“Don’t want to.”

Alright. We licked the spoons, it was a smashing good time. Who doesn’t love baking yummy treats?

I’m thinking of cake, but I’m thinking about so many other things. I can’t keep my mind straight at the moment because there are so many worries that I have as a mother. It’s natural. I think as a parent you either accept that you can only do you best, or kill yourself trying to do everything perfectly. There is no perfect. There is no way to guarantee that you raise them to be a certain way… Being responsible for another human being… all of their needs… is exhausting.

I work. I go to school full-time. I have a double major. I write. I’m working on publishing a novel. I handle all of the household business, cook most of the meals, provide learning time, play time, and schedule all of the events, dentist, doctor… I am the party planner. I am generally the grocery shopper. My plate is too full. I’m unhealthy. I don’t sleep well at night. I’m doing too much… but there is not one single thing that I can let go of. Trust me, we have weighed all of the possibilities. I have accepted that I am in a time of my life that it is just going to be difficult, but there is a balance.

My daughter is pulling me from the keyboard…

Fast-forward through the commercials and she is doing good. I stepped in a wet spot on the carpet. It’s either water or pudding.

24 hours is never enough. It’s not enough time to work. It’s not enough time to study. It’s not enough time to read. It’s not enough time to shop for healthy foods. It’s not enough time to exercise. It’s not enough time to write, edit, create, design, paint, teach, play, clean, scrub, wash, prepare.  As soon as I check something off of my list, there are a few more things to add to it.

I am forged under fire. I do well under stress, at least when it comes to my work… my family, now that’s another story. I grew up in a family in which outsiders and strangers were given more respect than the members of the family. I cannot believe that all families are this way. I don’t want mine to be any certain way.

I worry too much.

Another way I fail: I didn’t make a single wholesome meal today for my kids. They ate breakfast at daycare, had mac n cheese and hot-dogs for lunch, and hot pockets for supper. These packaged meals don’t exactly “do a body good.” But, my son did elect to take pears and cheese sticks to class today for lunch. Small victories.

That’s all I can hope for, these days. Do the best I can and don’t crumble under the pressure. Make time to do what I love, further my craft while still taking care of all of my responsibilities.

I have all A’s in my classes. My GPA is 3.9. I excel at everything I do because I push myself, and learning comes pretty naturally to me. I also love to read, so that helps. I do a great job at everything I set out to do… why am I so hard on myself when it comes to being a mother? It’s because I want to surround my kids with love and positivity. I want to provide an atmosphere in which they can grow. But, I’m only human, Harry… for cripes sakes. They know that. It’s okay for them to see their mommy’s flaws. Healthy… right?

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